I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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