why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
