hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
