I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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