The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
