gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
