Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
