I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
