I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
