I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
