i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dicks are not precious.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
