My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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