i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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