3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
