Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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