We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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