Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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