I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
