Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
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idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
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That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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