I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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