I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
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Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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