I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
