I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
