Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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