i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
