how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
