Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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