Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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