He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
