remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
