I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If its not for food we ain't going out.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
