The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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