Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
