sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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