I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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