I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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