im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
