There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
