I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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