And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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