If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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