There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we're making bets on your personal life
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
