I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
