when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
