Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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