my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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