i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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