I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They took my balls.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
