You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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