I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
