We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
