I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
