can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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