The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
