I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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